| getting the ax a play by jake edleman |
| I met Jake at the house of friends. I knew he was a writer because I had been told this and we were introduced and the conversation began and 7 words into the conversation I said to myself: he is a writer. I also pictured him operating a good neighborhood deli but it was the notion of the writing that got the nod--that seemed a more intuitive fit. We became friendly and met for breakfast at the farmers market from time to time and at some point I was invited to attend a play. It’s a tentative moment when you are obliged to attend for the first time some artistic function involving a friend—a play, film, music gig, performance art type event, etc, and why? Because the first thought to pop into your head is: I hope this doesnt suck. I attended the play with a mutual friend and standing outside the theater, a storefront on Robertson in Beverly Hills, and that was the thought—I hope this doesn’t suck--we found ourselves both thinking. Our fears were misplaced. The play was clever, offbeat, funny. It was entertaining. Entertainment is important. At some point in life, and I have arrived there, you become hard to entertain. You have been entertained enough. But on this night I was entertained. I wont describe the plot because there is no plot. Its one act, 2 people in a room—a writer and hooker. The writer is a Salmon Rushdie type, if you recall that story, holed up in this room on the lam from an Islamic hit squad, for two years now and among other things in desperate need of some pussy--- that the bodyguards have decided to spring for—a birthday present. Thats the pitch. Somehow the sex takes a back seat to the writers problems, and they are many, self pity at the top of the list and he and the hooker go back and forth about all this garbage he has flying around inside his head and never do manage to get it on. At the end she convinces him that squirreling himself away inside this room for 2 years now is long enough, a cop out, he doesnt need pussy, hes being a pussy, etc, etc. So went the play. It was short, tight and, as I say,funny. The play over my friend and I stood outside on the street and I looked at her and she at me and we said: it didnt suck! |
portrait of jake
| GETTING THE AXE (The Oval Office of the White House. GEORGE W. BUSH is conferring with KARL ROVE.) BUSH You sure I gotta do this? I mean, I go back a long way with the guy. ROVE Absolutely necessary, Mr. President. Your approval ratings are in the toilet. Somebody’s gotta take the fall, and let’s face it, he hasn’t pulled his weight in a long time. BUSH Yeah, but he used to be my go-to guy. I don’t know if I’d ever got elected without him. ROVE That was then, Sir. Politics is a contact sport. There’s no room for sentiment. BUSH You think he’ll take it all right? He’s pretty sensitive, you know, underneath it all. ROVE He’s a pro. Trust me, he knows how to take one for the team. BUSH Yeah, but I hate this part of the job. Ol’ Hairy Ass Meyers took it like a man, but it hurt me to pull the plug on her. ROVE We could ask the Vice President to do it, Sir. I’m sure he would. BUSH Shit, I know he would. Big Dick gets off on cannin’ people. Hell, he’d shoot ‘im. Heh, heh. ROVE Considering the situation though, it’s probably be better if you do it yourself. BUSH When you’re right, you’re right. And you’re always right, Turdblossom. ROVE Thank you, Mr. President. He’s waiting in the vestibule. Anytime you’ re ready. BUSH Might as well get it over with. Times like this, I want to take a shot of bourbon. ROVE Not advisable, Sir. BUSH Yeah. Slippery slope. Heh, heh. ROVE (Rises) I’ll wait outside. BUSH Hey, what if I give him the Medal of Freedom! We got any of those layin’ around? ROVE I’ll go look. (ROVE exits. BUSH fidgets, presses the intercom on the desk.) BUSH Okay, Carlota, send him in. (JESUS CHRIST enters, dressed in his customary robe and sandals. BUSH rises to greet him.) BUSH Jaycee, how ya doin’! JESUS It’s good to see you again, Mr. President. BUSH (Showing JESUS to a seat) Hey, Mr. President’s my Dad! I’m Dubya, or 43, okay? JESUS I feel more comfortable with Mr. President, if you don’t mind. Decorum and all that. BUSH Heck, call me what you want, just don’t call me late for the Rapture. Heh heh. Laura makes sure I always wear clean underwear, y’know, just in case. JESUS It’s always wise to be prepared. BUSH Heh, heh, I’m kiddin’. Get you some coffee? Little vino? You’re a sparklin’ water guy, right? JESUS I’m fine. BUSH You know, Jaycee, I always thought the two of us had a lot in common. JESUS Is that so? BUSH I mean, you know, we both kinda got where we are cuz of our Dads. But, heck, a lot’s on account of our own hard work and personal charisma. JESUS I see what you mean. BUSH And like me, you’re a uniter, not a divider. JESUS Well, I like to think I am. BUSH Absolutely. Yessir, you’re doin’ a heckuva job, Jaycee. JESUS Looking at the world, I sometimes wonder… BUSH Hey, you’ve done wonders. Especially gettin’ all your people to the polls in Ohio. JESUS Actually, I had very little to do with that. BUSH Don’t be so modest. I know you work your tail off. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. JESUS Oh? BUSH Yeah, fact is, we think you earned the right to kick back a little. You know, spend more time with your family. JESUS All mankind is my family. BUSH That’s right, so I reckon you’re gonna need a lot of time. JESUS I’m not sure I follow you, Mr. President. BUSH Let me put it this way. You like baseball, Jaycee? JESUS I don’t really follow the sport. BUSH Well, you see, sometimes a player’ll get into a slump. And the manager, see, he has to take him out of the lineup. Sometimes even send him down to the minors. For the good of the team. JESUS I take it this is a parable, Mr. President. BUSH Somethin’ like that, yeah. You see, Jaycee, next to Big Dick and Rummy – and me, of course, heh, heh -- you’re probably the most high profile figure in my Administration. JESUS Technically, I’m not a member of your Administration. ` BUSH Right! Separation of church and state. Wink, wink. Heh, heh. But seriously, lately we’ve been catchin’ a crapload o’ flak , and fair or not, a lot of folks think it’s on account of you. JESUS Me? But what have I done to hurt your Administration? BUSH For starters, there’s the war. You might have noticed, things in Iraq aren’t goin’ so well. I mean, folks might get the wrong idea Allah’s stronger than you, or somethin’. JESUS But I am against war. Have I not taught, Blessed are the peacemakers? BUSH Heh, heh, this is the real world, big guy! We can’t let a bunch o’ pissant ragheads push us around. Force is all those maniacs understand. Shoot, you ought to know, you used to live in that part of the world. JESUS And I say now, even as I said then, turn ye the other cheek. BUSH Lemme explain somethin’, Jaycee. We can’t appease evildoers. That would be appeasement. Come on, righteous Christian nations used to kick major league butt! Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, you know? JESUS Have you forgotten my Word? Love thy enemy. BUSH But we do! We love ‘em to death! See, they all wanna die, so they can go to Islamicistic heaven. So we’re doin’ ‘em a big favor, see, by killin’ ‘em. JESUS Is that what you have made of my Holy Doctrine? BUSH Hey, don’t get me wrong, Jaycee. I’m as fundamentalist as the next guy. But if you want to be successful, you gotta adapt to changin’ times. JESUS Could you be more specific? BUSH For one thing, your marketing strategy’s way out of date. JESUS My -- marketing strategy? BUSH You gotta be more competitive. Look, the bad guys have this great incentive plan , to get folks to sign up with their program. JESUS As do I -- the reward of Heaven and eternal life. BUSH Yeah, but the Mohamedistas, they get 70 odd virgins! Now that’s one heck of an incentive, you gotta admit. JESUS You want me to promise -- virgins. BUSH For defending freedom, why not? Look, all you gotta do is up the ante -- maybe 80 say, or even a hundred – we’d be gettin’ A-rab converts in droves. Talk about winnin’ hearts and minds! They’re some horny dudes over there, not to mention what it would do for army recruiting here. JESUS A very creative suggestion, Mr. President. But I prefer the old way. BUSH No offense, but that’s your problem. Like Rummy says, you think way too inside the box. JESUS Mea culpa. BUSH But, hey, you don’t want to support our troops, that’s your pejorative. You got pacifistic principles. I can respect that. But what about that Katrina bidness! Gimme a break! I mean, what were you thinkin’? JESUS Am I to blame for that? BUSH Well, duh – hurricanes are considered an Act of God! JESUS But what of the defective levees that gave way so easily? You had warning after warning. BUSH Do the math, Jaycee. Crappy levees MINUS Katrina equals happy black folks on Bourbon Street. Crappy levees PLUS Katrina equals P.R. disaster for my Administration. JESUS P.R. disaster… BUSH Made me look bad. It was embarrassin’, damn it. JESUS I’m sorry – you looked bad. BUSH The Democrats had a field day. And the media crucified me! You got any idea what that feels like? (JESUS looks at audience and shakes his head.) All I do anymore is bust my butt tryin’ to fix my image. I hate that. It ain’t my game, playin’ defense all the time. JESUS I truly feel your pain. BUSH Well, that’s water under the bridge. Or through the levee, whatever. Bottom line, we decided it’s time to make a change. JESUS I see. You are turning away from me. BUSH I wouldn’t put it that way. This isn’t personal. We’re just movin’ in a different direction, that’s all. JESUS I understand. BUSH Hey, no hard feelin’s, right, amigo? JESUS I’ve had worse betrayals. BUSH There you go. Hey, you’re gonna find lots of great opportunities in the private sector. Non-profits, lobbyin’. Time you got paid what you’re worth. JESUS I’ll make do. But are you sure that you’re doing the right thing? BUSH Well, we reckon it won’t go down easy in some of the Red States. But push comes to shove, they’ll stick with us. I mean, what -- they gonna vote for gay marriage and killin’ unborn babies? I don’t think so. JESUS That’s not what I meant. You said you were moving in a -- different direction? BUSH Whoa – not Satan, if that’s what you’re thinkin’! Heh, heh, we ain’t liberals! No, my new guy’s the whole package -- fantastic management skills, great ideas, the vision thing. It’s all in this book he wrote. (Picks up book, gives it to JESUS) Condie turned me on to it. JESUS Oh, my God. Dianetics? BUSH The Bible’s the Good Book, but that’s a great book! JESUS But – Scientology? L. Ron Hubbard? BUSH I call him Ol’ Mother Hubbard, for short. Heh, heh. L. Ron’s a little too close for comfort to that Texas company I had nothin’ to do with. JESUS But he died years ago! BUSH No offense, big guy, but you died years ago, too, and nobody holds it against ya. JESUS But on the third day I rose from the tomb. BUSH All respect, maybe you didn’t corner the market on resurrections. Fact is, according to my intelligence reports, Ol’ Mother’s alive and well and living in-cog-ni-to on his boat in Fiji. JESUS Be that as it may – do you really believe the Scientologists can make things better? BUSH You kiddin’ me? When it comes to bein’ ruthless fanatics, the terrorists can’t hold a candle to ‘em. Mother Hubbard’s crew’s gonna clean up Iraq in no time. And Homeland Security’s gonna be a piece of cake for ‘em, too. Yessir, those boys really know how to run a tight ship. (JESUS is visibly shaken.) Hey, you okay, Jaycee? You look a little piqued. Like you did in that Mel Gibson movie. JESUS Perhaps I will have some wine. Never mind. I think I’ll be going now. (JESUS stands.) BUSH Whoa, I’m late, myself. There’s this free personality test I’m supposed to take. JESUS Goodbye, Mr. President. (BUSH gets up.) BUSH Well, thanks again for all your able service to your country. By the way, you can rest easy, we’re gonna stay the course on those policies so close to your heart. JESUS Policies? BUSH Like those faith-based whatchamallits. JESUS Initiatives. BUSH Right. We’re gonna make sure no bums get a handout without saying a prayer first. (JESUS just shakes his head.) And we’re gonna hold the line against the Darwinistas. Gonna keep fightin’ the evolutionaries here, so we don’t have to fight ‘em over there. JESUS (Looking up) Forgive him, Father, for he knows not what he says. BUSH And , of course, we won’t budge on the pro-life thing. (With emphasis) I know how much you cherish every blessed little stem cell. JESUS You’ll never know how much I appreciate that. (JESUS heads toward the door.) BUSH Jaycee, before you go… JESUS Yes? BUSH There’s still almost 3 years left in my term. I hope I can count on your blessin’. For old time’s sake? JESUS Let me put it this way. (Beat) I know you’ll keep doing a hell of a job. BUSH Thanks, Jaycee. JESUS May I say one more thing? BUSH Why, sure. JESUS Entry into Heaven is not like getting into Yale, or Harvard Business School. BUSH I’m glad o’ that. Those college boards were murder. JESUS No, I mean there are no legacy admissions. You’re judged strictly on the way you lived your life. BUSH Oh. (He thinks for a beat.) Well, no problemo -- right? Heh, heh. JESUS (Smiles. A beat.) Heh, heh. (JESUS heads to the door.) Hey, don’t be a stranger, now. You’re always welcome at the ranch, hear? (As JESUS exits:) And say howdy to Pat Robertson when you see ‘im! (BUSH sits at his desk.) BUSH Now, where’s that personality test? Heck, I’ll do it later. (HE stretches out, puts his feet on the desk. HE starts to sing contentedly to himself. LIGHTS begin to slowly fade.) Jesus loves the little stem cells, All the stem cells of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, They are precious in His sight. Jesus loves the little stem cells of the world. (BUSH’s voice gives way to CHILDREN singing the same song as LIGHTS fade to BLACK.) |
