|9 unpublished letters to the
Los Angeles Times
|Writers write to publish and one place to publish is
the editorial page of the local paper—in my case
the LA Times. Over the years Ive written maybe
50 letters and have scored for 6. I have a friend
who works for the paper and he said: that isnt bad.
Maybe so Joe but what about the other 44 rejects
that failed to make the grade Times-wise?
Fortunately we now have the internet at our
disposal and websites such as bflowriter.com to
resurrect some of these masterpieces.
Here they are:
Story: Jay leno is quoted to say he opposes a
new smog check law that would no longer
exempt several of the cars in his classic car
Letter: Im with jay Leno on this one—the smog
check law. I drive an ‘88 Honda Accord with
132,000 miles on it that has failed the smog test
three times and Jay has this splendid collection of
classic cars that is exempt from the test but that
isn’t the point. Jay is a star. A star is the American
version of royalty. As royalty they are entitled to
certain perks and privileges the rest of us have
dismally failed to claim for ourselves. At the top of
the list is: peace of mind. I refer you to the last
scene in the movie The Madness of King George.
The King is standing on the steps of the palace
addressing this vast, hideous throng of scum--his
subjects--and he turns to his son and says: “Look
happy. That’s why we’re here.”
Story: Iraq and the rehabbing of some
generals of the former regime to restore
Letter: I have been saying this for months: we
need to put some of these people back in power.
But dont stop with a handful of the Generals.
Lets proceed with the logic of this strategy
and apply it 100%--all the way up to Saddam.
He is the man for this job—to straighten this
situation out pronto. We/ll rebuild the palace,
deliver him to the door and provide all the
money, supplies and weapons as required.
Story: Barry Bonds and steroids
Letter: The public has a short memory. The huge
uproar that occurred in 1927—the year Babe Ruth
hit 60--is long forgotten. The Babe loved hot dogs.
They were like spinach for Popeye—that triggered
some mechanism in his system that transformed
him into a homerun machine—a beast. And he
admitted it. He said: yes-it’s the hot dogs. So
what? They are legal. Deal with it”. And that was
the end of it.
Story: scandal at abu garhib
Letter: Now that traditional methods of the
interrogation of prisoners such as sadism,
humiliation and physical abuse are no longer
in the cards, its time to reverse direction
and apply a more subtle and humane
Has anyone thought of offering these poor devils
some decent sex? We have the perfect candidate
for the job right here in Los Angeles: Heidi Fleiss.
We/ll send Heidi over with a few of the girls to put
this operation in gear.
Personally, with a deal like this on the table, Id be
spilling my guts. It’s a natural!
Story: monkey attack. A man and his wife
whose preference pet-wise was for a
monkey over a dog or cat--and they attend a
“birthday” party for the chimp of some other
retard and the retards chimp snapped and
attacked the guest and nearly killed him. He
bit off 4 fingers and then attacked the guys
Letter: My sympathies are with anyone who has
four fingers bitten off by a monkey but its not
surprising these animals have tired of being
hunted down and dragged off to captivity—into the
zoo or, what is worse, someones house to be
photographed in bed with the “parents” at birthday
time. They are dumb animals but not that dumb.
The jungle is their home. Life there is more
uncertain but less humiliating.
Story: Pete rose and the hall of fame
Letter: I have a solution for the Pete Rose Hall of
Fame dilemma. Wait until Pete drops dead—then
vote him in. In this way we accommodate both
sides of the issue. We get Pete into the Hall but
also, by way of punishment, he dies thinking
otherwise. Its perfect!
Story: idealistic writer-type takes high
school teaching job
For this one I wrote two letters:
1) I like this Acuna guy. He going to teach them
Bukowski—great writer (Los Angeles born and
bred) and a true inspiration human being-wise.
Yes he was an alcoholic, yes he was an incurable
horseplayer and yes, on the subject of women,
he didnt have a faithful bone in his body. Its too
bad Buk is no longer with us. He could show up
with a few six packs and give a rousing pep talk.
2) The situation at LA Unified is like the Dutch
kid in the fable trying to plug the holes in the
dike. He has ten fingers and there are four
thousand holes in the dike. Teaching these kids
to read and write is like teaching the blind to see.
It cannot be done. Acuna sees the job as
a ”challenge”. The word is incorrect. The only
challenge involved here is to maintain your sanity
for 20 years until the pension kicks in.
I hate to cast a pall on Acunas teaching aspirations
but he would be wise to revert to his former
plan-—staying home to write while the wife works.
He has a splendid option here he would be foolish
to disavow. He will be happier, more satisfied by
far, an absence of stress and, best of all, no longer
at the mercy of the District--that couldn’t care less.
Jack Spiegelman (retired teacher)
Story: Interrogation of suspect in the world
trade center attack
Letter: Yes—torture the son of a bitch. And this
is the way to do it—with music. For every man
there is a certain type of music they cannot
tolerate. For example—mariachi. Lock this
Mohammed character in a room, naked, with
the lights on and crank up the mariachi. Sooner
or later—and my guess is sooner —he will crack.
I guarantee it.
Story: The driving range at Los Angeles City
College. Of them all this is my favorite—when
LACC decided to lease a corner of the campus
to a Korean for the purpose of erecting a
driving range. Who the architect was for this
project was not revealed but up goes the
range and over the fence are the balls driven
to rain down upon a child care center.
Letter: Our only hope is for the students who
complete the program at LACC to demonstrate
more brains than the administrators who
negotiated this driving range deal--with a child
care center on the other side of the fence down at
the far end. Maybe they should keep the range
open and close down the college.